Ruari Dunn

"Quirky new little artisan coffee shop. Get in there quickly before it gets hounded out by students."

"Seriously overrated. Just paid £4.50 for a tiny potato that was barely warm covered in tasteless slop that they claim is coleslaw. Avoid unless you NEED vegan and like picking hair out of your food."

"Avoid like the plague. If the overpriced booze or the stench of desperate high school teacher doesn't put you off then the off key cater-whaling from behind the piano will."

"If you have no friends and wish to live your life never feeling a woman's touch then this is the place for you."

"Washing the sheets helps combat crusty yellow stains."

"Get the Udon noodles, thank me later."