The Onion

"When on a guided tour of a history museum, at every civilization, ask whether the men of that era ever had an overpowering urge to dress as a woman and be caressed by a big, strong man."

"Local Coverage: Slashed Ticket Prices Allow Lesser Nobility To Attend Yankees Games"

"If you plan to be gone more than a few days, set an automatic timer to turn your lights on and off five times a second while pulsating techno music plays."

"Local Coverage: Trojan Introduces ‘No One’s Pleasure’ Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples"

"Beware: Some museums are more reputable than others. The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City? Pretty reputable. The Flagstaff Groundhog & Jackalope Hall of Fame? Less so."