Matt Casamassina

"Just in case the train crashes, make sure you're Bruce Willis so you won't get hurt."

"The freezer in the back subs as cryogenic storage for the various body parts of illegal aliens Jake's harvests and sells on the black market."

"Good place to try if you are a rogue scientist in search of the dumbest people on the planet to be used as test subjects for grotesque lab experiments."

"If you have to pee in a hurry, try the swimming pool."

"Purge yourself of food and water. Do not eat for at least 24 hours prior. Then order 16 bowls of dumplings and gorge yourself until you reach heaven, either through taste nirvana or heart attack."

"Don't make eye contact with the crazy, babbling, incontinent bums as they scream incomprehensible tirades or they will scratch your face off."